"You Don't Say" item of the day

"Few fathers would want their daughters to become the second wife of an elderly drug dealer"

Please do not stage an intervention for me

I know how pathetic it is that I haven't fixed my hair in over a week. I don't need to hear it.

--A-Dub

Jimmy Durante Says:

Have a great long weekend. And remember who it's for.

Hotch-cha-cha!

The CRAZY Factory

I think this is my all-time favorite picture N.O. and I have ever taken together since we started dating in October 1999. This was taken by Forky in February at Queen III's birthday celebration.

The reason I like it so much is that we both appear to be so emotionally affected by the Cheesecake Factory dinner menu. I adore the menu! I am so thrilled by it, I cannot control my eyebrows! N.O. loathes the menu. He sneers at it! It is beneath contempt.

We both look like lunatics. I love it. Oh, and despite N.O.'s penchant for casual-swearing-as-punchline, no waitstaff were harmed during the course of this dinner.

More random thoughts

I have a confession to make. Despite sidebar claims to the contrary, I have not been reading Watership Down. I tried... for about eight pages. But I just cannot work up any interest. I know, I know, it's like a fourth grade reading level book. But it's about rabbits! I love fluffy bunnies, but reading a whole novel about them just seems kind of stupid. Even if the book jacket is covered with amazingly glowing praise from reputable sources. I don't care. Maybe someday I'll try again, but for now, I'm giving up on this one.

My Mobiblu broke the other day. I don't know if that was just due to a defect in the product or if I was a little too rough with it. (Probably the latter. Throwing it into the bottom of my tote bag and dropping a massive jug -- 2 liters! -- of water onto it every day could not have done it any favors.) But I actually decided to move up to something a little larger, both in memory and in physical size. I LOVE "tiny tech," but I would also like to be able to use my mp3 player's menu, and the Mobiblu's screens and buttons were just a little too tiny to do that easily. So, based on CNET's highly favorable editor review, I ordered a Cowon iAudio U2. It's still itty-bitty (and still modeled by a fella with horrible nails and cuticles!), but this one boasts a screen that's large enough to see and a more user-friendly joystick type selector rather than the tiny button that you have to squish your thumbnail up against. It arrived on Friday, and so far, it's getting a big thumbs-up from me. If you're looking for a non-iPod option and you don't need mega-memory, this is the way to go. We got it for about $112, including shipping, from BuyDig.

I'm going to be far more careful with this one. I want it to last longer than five months.

Something that annoys me: Reliant Energy--shouldn't it really be "Reliable?" I believe Chrysler also made a car by this name during the 1980s.

Reliant: depending upon another for support.

Of course, Reliant is hardly alone in this. Share with me. What are your picks for most nonsensical corporate names or slogans?

Monday Makes A-Dub Feel [Kathie Lee Gifford]

I have no coherent thoughts this morning. I got up, did Pilates, fixed my hair, put on makeup, and got to work only ten minutes late. Miracle of miracles! So I'm doing pretty well this morning, all things considered. For a Monday, this morning is truly a success. Yet... I'm just not feeling it. I'd so much rather be home watching television and basking in the air conditioned darkness of my apartment. Funny, we've lived there over a year and it still smells like apartment. Aha, you see, this is the kind of leap my brain is making today. So, I've decided to just share with you some of the random thoughts that are flitting across the cranium this morning. Maybe you can make some sense of them. I've added some Arrested Development pictures to make them less boring.

1. Dear God, please let Whitney Houston kick the crack before it kills her. She's so talented. And she used to be so beautiful. Besides, her comeback from the brink would make a fantastic TV movie!

2. The bubble skirt has got to be the worst fashion trend of 2006 by a mile. The thing is just so, so ugly, it's actually scary!

3. Elliott getting kicked off American Idol made me sad. I'm not quite over it. I miss him.





4. We saw Over the Hedge last night. It was fun! Why is it that Steve Carell can be crazy and manic and I really like him, whereas Jim Carrey and Robin Williams and Will Ferrell and all those guys make me want to run around Hollywood with a tranquilizer gun? I don't know. I guess there's a fine line between funny and asshat.

5. I'm kinda hungry.

6. I don't know why I'm stuck on Idol today, but: Paula Abdul is an absolute disaster, like a drunk tranny every week, but something about it is so appealing to me. For a girl, I can be so queeny sometimes. I just love camp! In related news, I TiVo'd the Liza Minnelli E! True Hollywood Story the other day (or as they are now calling it, THS) and when I played it back, it wasn't the Liza story at all! They had preempted her with Simon Cowell. Simon Cowell is kinda fun in a closeted sort of way, but he pales in comparison to La "Liza with a Z."

Mother of the Year

Last night I dreamt about an endangered baby. I was in this old house that was filling with water, and I heard a baby boy crying under an old bed and rescued him. And I do not want to hear one single word about Jung or biological clocks, do you hear me? I only share this dream with you because I think it may have been a premonition of things to come. Let's face it, little Sean Preston Spears Federline may not be long for this world unless someone steps in and saves his adorable bediapered butt. What makes me feel this way? It's actually something I saw in a picture.

No, not this picture.










Nor this one (though that carseat should be facing backwards).















Not even this one--oops, butterfingers!









No, the picture that leads me to believe that Child Protective Services should swoop down and take that poor child away before he comes to real harm is this one.

Golly Moses.

All points bulletin

Have you seen this man?

Update! I no longer hate Taylor Hicks.

It would be so unfair to hate him. It isn't his fault he has Tourette's Syndrome.

A phalanx of whammies.

Last night we caught about 10 minutes of Deal or No Deal while we were waiting for the TiVo to get far enough ahead in 24 that we could watch commercial-free Kiefer. Not being big on game-shows (with the occasional exception of Jeopardy), we had never seen the show before.

No deal. For the love of Pete, NO DEAL!!!

It was weird. It took us a while to figure out what was going on, with the contestant apparently bartering a briefcase for other briefcases despite not knowing what any of them contained. She was stupid, and ended up gambling away a bunch of money. Her husband was there via satellite link from Baghdad, and you could tell he was pissed she didn't "deal" when she was up to $125,000. Way to disappoint your handsome Army guy husband, lady. Also, there was this bizarre Greek chorus of her harpy friends shouting at her. "DEEEEEEEALLLLLL!" or "NOOOO DEEEEEALLL!" they would randomly shout. N.O., caught up in the moment, shouted "Big money! No whammy!"

I laughed. Then I paused. "What is that from? That whammy thing? I remember it from when I was a kid, but... it's not Wheel of Fortune, is it?"

Despite being the one who had said it, N.O. was equally perplexed. "No, not Wheel of Fortune. I don't know where that came from."

The Price is Right, maybe? That's the only other game show I remember watching when I was a kid. But that didn't sound right, either.

A whammy conducts his diabolical business.

I managed to quell my curiosity long enough to watch 24, when another weird word came up, all whammy-like, to spoil my enjoyment. Mr. Pointyfaced McBadguy snarled, "There's a whole phalanx of CTU agents right outside the door!" And I thought, "Is that how you say that?"

It was. I looked it up. And I was terribly disappointed. Because that awesome, beautiful, tough, magnificent-looking word sounds absolutely stupid when you say it out loud.

Just look at it: phalanx. Now say it. What a letdown.

Remembering this terribly uninteresting sequence of events (sorry!) a few moments ago, I googled "whammy." I couldn't believe it. Apparently, it's from a game show called Press Your Luck. Which is just bizarre to me, because I so clearly remember the little whammy guy and the stupid mantra, but I had no other memory of the show. If you had asked me yesterday, I would have sworn I had never even heard of it. The years sounded about right, though (1983 - 1986), so I guess I did watch that show as a kid.

Probably with my Grandma. I'll bet she watches Deal or No Deal, too, God love her.

The Wrong Guy

Well, looks like the mystery at the Beeb has been solved. I sorta see how it could have happened.

Everything is fresh and new! And freaky!

It's a fresh, crisp spring day. The air is cool and clear. It's the beginning of a new week. Boscoe's and Gray-ham's blogs have cool new looks. The Cachinnator has a new cachinnation photo. Forky is starting rehearsal on a new show. Even little old A-Dub has changed her blog's look to incorporate new, fresher colors!

So why is this morning such a tremendous drag? Why could A-Dub barely drag herself out of bed this morning to face this stunning new day? Why is A-Dub referring to herself in the third person?

I don't know. But there you have it. Even two new myspace friends this morning couldn't make me crack a smile! Nothing could... until I received my Turner Classic Movies newsletter this morning. My friends, on May 22, TCM is airing Tod Browning's classic pre-code cult favorite, Freaks. If you like camp, shocks, and the avant-garde, this is one of the best movies of all timeThe cast is made up of real side-show performers from 1930s carnival acts, yet the film somehow retains a real sensitivity. While exploiting the actors for shock value, it also humanizes them and sympathizes with them. It's just... really, really good. This is definitely tivo-worthy material. Check it out!

"We'll Make Her One of Us!" From the gibbering mouths of these weird creatures came this frenzied cry... no wonder she cringed in horror... this beautiful woman who dared toy with the love of one of them!

BBC mistaking a cabbie for a music expert and conducting a live on-air interview: Priceless.

From the Daily Mail: "He is the BBC's latest star - the cab driver who a leading presenter believed was a world expert on the internet music business.

The man stepped unwittingly into the national spotlight when he was interviewed by mistake on the corporation's News 24 channel.

With the seconds ticking down to a studio discussion about a court case involving Apple Computer and The Beatles' record label, a floor manager had run to reception and grabbed the man, thinking he was Guy Kewney, editor of Newswireless.net, a specialist internet publication.

Actually, he was a minicab driver who had been waiting to drive Mr Kewney home."

The rest of the story and readers' responses can be found here. Check out the video. This guy's expression when he realizes what's going on is perfect.

Julie Andrews and Carol Burnett together--what could be better?

Here's a "Sound of Music" parody called "The Family Pratt"


"Mama's Rap" Long and a bit cheesy, but that finale--yowza!

When this is the first sentence of a news story, get ready to freak out.

"If diseases like AIDS and bird flu scare you, wait until you hear what's next."

Friday's Melancholy Haiku

Would you rather be

in a room with no windows,

or flying a kite?

Some bask in sunshine;

some bathe in fluorescent glare

and monitor glow.

The Great Grape Caper!

I, like everybody else, have been trying to be healthy lately. Exercising more, eating better, drinking a big jug of water every day--the whole nine yards. Other than the fact that if I cut my finger, yogurt comes out, doing great.

Mmmm, strawberry!

Except today, I've been starving. All. Day. Long. Yogurt for breakfast, yogurt for lunch, nothing was making a dent. So, with dread, I decided to go to 7-Eleven. I was fearful--surely the only healthy thing I would be able to find would be... more yogurt! It was likely to come down to a painful choice between my third yogurt of the day and falling off the wagon, Hershey-style. Or maybe coming in in-between with a calorie-laden granola bar. I steeled my courage and resolve (do not even look down the Hershey aisle!) and took the mini-jaunt to 7-Eleven.

Imagine my surprise to discover a whole selection of healthy treats! Containers of sliced mixed fruit and berries, chunks of mango, and crisp bags of green apple slices! I am not normally a huge fruit fan--I prefer vegetables--but this was a great solution. My selection: a 6 oz container of delicious red grapes. Granted, $1.99 is a bit much for 6 oz of grapes, but it came in this awesome plastic cup that fits into the cup-holder of the car! And, only one of the grapes tasted like wine.

But don't worry, 7-Eleven hasn't completely changed its ways... this is the sight that greets visitors to its website:

Dammit, that looks a lot better than a bunch of stupid grapes.

Sometimes captions make the joke for you.

1st Annual "Sober Day USA"

05-01-06

An Open Letter to Li.Lo

Dear Linds (I can call you Linds, right?):

I love you. Don't ask me why. Maybe it's because underneath it all, you seem kind of fun. And you seem to have a good sense of humor about yourself. Plus, you're an unrepentant diva.

So, since we're buds, a few thoughts. Please, please, please, keep the hair red. It's great! Blonde is not great on you, and neither is dark brown. And the fake tan? No. What is so bad about being a fair-skinned Irish girl? You look different from the crowd. That is a strength. Go with it.

Also, quit acting like Paris Hilton. You're so much better than that. Also, that outfit is dumb. Come on! When people say "You can wear anything and still look hot," that doesn't mean you should wear dumb things! You still look better in pretty things. Duh. And, finally, you make me want to go home and get on the stairmaster immediately so one day I can have righteous legs like that. (Which I would never encase in leggings.) The end.

LYLAS!

A-Dub

Happy Birthday, N.O.!!!

Artist's rendering of N.O., circa 8:00 this evening.

Some people are so clever!

Check out this Flickr photo set of people who have made their computer screens appear transparent by using cleverly shot and edited photos as their desktop backgrounds.

Grudge Match!

OK, I think the ghost of PT Barnum just whispered in my ear, and gave me the greatest idea ever.

G R U D G E

M A T C H !

FORKY

VS.

QUEEN, III

DON'T MISS

the Aborexic and the Mad Spinster

duking it out in the

no-holds-barred

Battle of the Century!

What do you think? Potential weapons could be:

• Words
• Wits
• Broadswords
• Giant inflatable boxing gloves
• Animated lightning bolts

Suggestions?

An artist's conceptualization of the battle

These are even "better" than the gross entries in the "Gallery of Regrettable Food"

Remember when you were a kid and your mom used to drag you along to Weight Watchers meetings? (Maybe that was just me?) And you'd sit, bored out of your mind in the lobby, until finally they got done and then you got to sample a delicious, low-calorie snack (ie, chocolate mousse in a Dixie Cup) before you went home? That chocolate mousse was actually pretty good.

Well, thank goodness this was the eighties, after Weight Watchers had sorta started to get their act together. Frankly, it's a miracle the company lasted until the eighties, with the kinds of diet "foods" they offered their members back in the seventies.

As they say in the real estate ads, "Must be seen to be believed!" Get ready to scroll through the chamber of horrors known only as...

1974 Weight Watchers Recipe Cards

Make sure you scroll through them ALL!

It's American Idol Night!

Vote for Paris and Elliott! (They're going to need it.) Vote for Katharine and Chris! (but why bother, they're your top two.) Just don't contribute to the national embarrassment that is Taylor Hicks's continued participation on that show.

Comments, please. Were you the king or queen of the whole world, in which order would you have the remaining contestants voted off?

Please let Hillary be President...

According to her, she's too stupid and untalented to do anything else! Great campaign platform, Hils!

Perhaps for dessert, some country pie?

Beef makes the crust!

Okay, I'm done now.

Honey, what should we have for dinner?

Oh, I wish this were in color!


"Frankwiches?

Mom! The gang's coming over for a sock-hop in the knotty-pine-paneled basement! Can you make those Benedictish Frankwiches again? You know, the ones that look like creamed tumor-balls? Oh, Mom, you're the absolute MOST. "
--Gallery of Regrettable Food

Hungry?

You won't be for long! Check out the Gallery of Regrettable Food.