Flock of seagulls.

The culprit (artist's rendering)

As I walked into Target today, chatting on the cell phone with my mom (I know, you hate me for talking and shopping, but come on... everybody does it once in a while), I had to duck to keep from getting swooped by four large seagulls. I mentioned the fact on the phone to my mother, safely at home 300 miles south, and she derided me. "Seagulls? I don't think so. Come on, Everycity is hundreds of miles from the ocean. Are you sure they weren't pigeons?"

Firstly, I have lived in Stinktown long enough to recognize a pigeon when I see one, and secondly, seagulls are rather difficult to mistake, aren't they? The pretty ivory-and-gray colorway and singularly graceful lines coupled with the horrific calls and genuinely disgusting habits--well, once you have seen one seagull, you pretty much recognize them from then on out. Besides, seagulls have lived at that Target and the nearby Everycity Children's Theater for ages. N.O. and I also recently saw some at the Tom Thumb. I guess they're attracted by the nice high light poles they can live on and the abundance of edible treats dropped by cackhanded toddlers in parking lots.

Tap, tap... Hulloooo out there!

You should have seen me, after leaving the store, pushing my cart around the parking lot with one hand, staring up into the sky, trying to snap a cell phone picture to prove my incredulous mother wrong (I got a couple, but they were lousy, and I haven't figured out how to send them anyway). Combine my seagull mania with the facts that in the midst of my search I got another call and that I was distractedly trying to load my purchases into the back of N.O.'s truck (he took my car to H-town today) while still scanning the sky--well, the end results of my searching were about six amused/worried stares from strangers and one misplaced shopping bag. I hope whoever found my belongings (two-pack of Dove deodorant, two boxes of Kleenex, disposable razors, and the birthday card I got for a girl at work) enjoys them very much.

But the whole thing has got me thinking: what ARE seagulls doing here anyway? I've always thought of them as the rats of the seashore--something those swells who live on the beach have to live with, just because God doesn't believe in anyone having it too good. We've got enough problems here--traffic, crime, jerks, trash, and a Klown Kolledge where City Hall should be. Plus, we've got pigeons! Must we really suffer seagulls, too? I think next time I go to Target, I'm bringing the BB gun. Come on, would anyone really mind?

In the meantime, read this scary article about seagulls invading urban areas in the UK (even leading to one death!) and try not to quiver.

me, Target parking lot (artist's rendering)